Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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