So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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