I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
