I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
