i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
