I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
