sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
