drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
