I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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