So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
