I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
