My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
