I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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