I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
