I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
