fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
