I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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