Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Is it because I queefed?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
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are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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