Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
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I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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