He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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