Four minutes until I can fart!
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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