I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
