I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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