just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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