if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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