Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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