hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
