I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
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