i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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