pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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