Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
