if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
