I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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