While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
