Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
