I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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