So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
