you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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