Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
