I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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