shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Im part way to drunk.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
