I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
