I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
