i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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