It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
