This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
PANTIES FOUND
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