when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
So here I am, sexting at work.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
