who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
