the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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