Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
