I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
