If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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