well I can't set my house on fire every night
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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