Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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