She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
